Deck the Balls A Tale of Holiday Lovin'
by SweetPoeticJustice
Summary: A flight home for Christmas turns into Edward Masen's worst nightmare when he gets stuck seated next to Bella Swan.  Will their passion to piss each other off end in lumps of coal or lemons in their stockings? O/S written for SFFR 25 days of Christmas


_**A/N** This O/S was written in collab with Nikita2009 for Southern Fan Fiction Reviews 25 days of Christmas. _

_Thank you to our Pre-readers and the lovely Dandie Goose for her beautiful beta job_

_**Disclaimer:** We don't own Twilight or it's characters we do however own Doucheward and Pornogirl _

* * *

**Deck the Balls- A Tale of Holiday Lovin'**

_Thick muscled arms firmly gripped her waist bringing their bodies together. Gazing intently into her topaz eyes he proclaimed the feelings he had been withholding for much too long "Victoria, Victoria, I love you. You are my now and my forever. You are my breath; without you I cannot breathe." _

_His lips crashed into her supple red ones where their tongues took on a heated dance of desire. Before they knew what had happened they lay naked on the forest floor surrounded by the pieces of their shorn garments._

_Staring deep into her partners eyes the voluptuous and sweet red head proclaimed "Oh James, I love you too, so much. There will never be anyone else for me." Overcome with desire James pushed his large throbbing manhood inside her. Her back arched and she moaned loudly in pure ecstasy._

_"_Ma'am, Ma'am? Miss? Excuse me, can I get through?" Looking up from my reading, my gaze was met with piercing green eyes of an overly handsome copper haired man. Speechless and filled with lust from the moment I had just experienced in my book, I gave the man a questioning look.

"Huh? What?" Was my genius response.

He rolled his eyes at me before responding with a hint of irritation in his voice, "The seat next to you is reserved for me and I would like to take my seat."

"Oh sorry," I replied lamely, "I was lost in my book." I held the book up as unneeded proof. He laughed bitterly muttering "Of fucking course" under his breath as he slipped by me to sit in the window seat next to me on the airplane. Feeling like I got off on the wrong foot with him, I thought I should try to start over since I would be seated next to him for the next couple hours.

"So yeah, I was reading my book..." I started as if I hadn't said that fact already "It's really good by this new author, Anthony Platt." "Why am I telling him all this," I thought. What is wrong with my filter today? He must think I am a total airhead. Realizing I had yet to introduce myself I stuck out my hand in his direction I said "Isabella Swan, but most people just call me Bella."

He glared at my hand like it contained the plague, folded his arms and replied "Edward Masen and I would prefer to just be left alone if you don't mind."

"Fine, yeah, just trying to be polite," I said then muttered "asshole" under my breath.

He turned to me. "What did you say?" he demanded testily.

"I just said that's cool." I looked at him innocently like I hadn't just insulted him while giving myself an internal fist pump for thinking quick on my feet then went back to reading my book. I had only gotten a couple paragraphs in when he started bouncing his leg. It was as bugging the crap out of me but I didn't want to piss him off again so I tried to ignore it. It was impossible to ignore. Highly irritated and trying not show it, I turned to him and asked "You nervous about something?"

"Nope!" he growled at me then looked away. I bit my tongue to stop myself from calling him a prick out loud. The plane took off and the journey so far had, thankfully, been event free when he decided to pick up the phone off the back of the chair in front of him and began to make a very loud phone call. It was so distracting I could no longer read. So I pulled out my iPod and popped my earbuds in, deciding to listen to music instead. Despite the fact I had the volume way up, I could still hear him speaking loudly and boisterously. It was annoying as hell. I decided two can play at this game. Knowing my voice was like nails on a chalkboard, I sang loudly and freely with the song currently playing. He, of course, looked at me and glared. I glared back and kept on singing completely desecrating one of my favorite songs with my rancid singing voice. He kept on with his phone conversation getting louder as he went. I huffed, pissed off and having had enough of this immature behavior got up to use the bathroom.

EPOV

I'd boarded the plane cursing under my breath and found my seat, by the window of course. I'd been hoping the person in the seat next to me wouldn't show."

. No such luck, of course, since it was Christmas Eve and the peak of holiday travel season. I was in a pissy mood; My editor had just chewed me out. Apparently, everything I had written lately sucked and I needed to go back and fix it over the holidays so we could reach the next deadline on time. I'd stood next to the row I was supposed to be sitting in and watched in annoyance as the woman sitting on the aisle was very absorbed in her book. She didn't notice me standing there waiting; trying in vain to gain her attention so I could get the fuck out of the aisle.

She was slouched down in her seat reading and making noises that could only be described as blatantly sexual and rubbing her slim, jean-covered thighs together

Cue hard on. Hard on present and accounted for.

What? Don't fucking look at me like that. I'm a dude, not a eunuch.

When I finally got her attention, a noticeably attractive female face peered up at me, puzzled as to why I was interrupting her highly inappropriate happy fun public show of indecency.

Fuck. Of course I would get a seat on this damn packed plane sitting next to some crazy nympho.

When she'd mumbled her introduction and stuck out her hand I'd hesitated. Who the hell knew where that hand had been last? I shuddered at the thought.

Now don't judge me. I was sitting next to a complete stranger who was most likely teeming with germs. I never really shake hands upon meeting someone as a general habit but if I had to I always slathered my hands in antibacterial hand sanitizer. Which, I had just remembered, I'd fucking forgot. Blecch.

Settling myself in my seat, I pulled my laptop out of my carryon bag intent on getting a little work done. As soon as we hit cruising altitude and the captain popped on the intercom announcing it was safe to use electronic devices I powered it on; opening the doc I'd started a while ago.

Now where were we...I closed my eyes, trying to picture the scene in my head. I normally wrote stories set in modern settings but this time I'd attempted historically based fiction. Oh yeah, the over muscled steroid enhanced hero named Dirk was contemplating storming his lady's maidenhead, conquering it like...like...

"Mmmmmm..."

I heard a moan cross the lips of the nympho next to me.

"Oh yeah..."

Jesus Christ.

"Fucckkkkk."

I looked over at her in disbelief. She was still absorbed in her book, oblivious to everything around her. The woman could seriously narrate a porno flick just with all the noises I'd heard within the last half hour. The next time one of my books got turned into an audio book they need to hire this Bella Swan. With her expressive low husky voice and erotic sound track, she'd be perfect.

When she'd shown me the book that had so enthralled her, I'd muttered "Of fucking course" as I'd been a little embarrassed to actually be sitting next to one of my dedicated readers. Then I'd promptly gotten pissed at myself as I shouldn't be embarrassed since my dedicated readers paid my fucking bills. Not only was I familiar with the mindless drivel of the crappy romance novel by "Anthony Platt," I was on an intimate, first name basis with the idiot author.

I, Edward Anthony Masen, _was _Anthony Platt.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Most normal people wouldn't think a dude would write romance novels. Don't tilt your head at me and squint like you're trying to figure out which fucking team I bat for. Because it's most definitely team P.U.S.S.Y. I, being a normal red blooded man, love a good frolic in the sheets. Unfortunately, most women I seem to meet are complete idiots. Don't get me wrong, shit definitely goes a lot fucking smoother when you've got an attractive face.

I started writing several short stories in my spare time and posted them on a blog. I took off in popularity and the following spring a publisher contacted me about publishing some of my stories in a compilation. After I'd turned in my manuscript, they'd requested something longer as well. At this request, I'd developed a seriously fucking badly timed case of writer's block. A short story is so much different than a novel length story; something I'd never done. But they held a big fat check over me, dangling like a carrot from a stick. And after a few lean years out of college waiting tables, since creative fucking writing didn't pay shit, that carrot was looking mighty tasty.

Don't judge me. Everyone's a whore in some way or another.

For weeks, I'd sat in front of my blank computer screen panicking as the deadline fast approached. Finally after watching some mindless drivel on TV about the sweeping popularity of these ridiculous teen vampire romance novels, I'd fucked around with the idea of writing my own.

In a panic, I'd hastily pounded out a cheesy overdone ridiculously horrible modern romance novel. Complete with the hero named Guy and the heroine named Rosalie.

So much for the great American novel.

Bye-bye dignity. Nice to meet you self-loathing. This is my buddy, shame.

Deeply ashamed, but with next month's rent looming over my head, I'd gotten drunk off my ass for courage and mailed the printed manuscript off. Much to my shock and surprise, I got a letter in the mail two months later proclaiming they loved it with a big fat check and a contract to keep writing.

Five badly written "novels" later, here I was; on a fucking plane next to the loudest nympho in the goddamn world flying back to fucking Forks, my hometown, for Christmas. Thank you Mother for the enormous guilt trip she'd laid on me.

"Oh yeah..."

Fucking Christ, how the hell was I supposed to get work done with Porno Girl next to me?

My leg bounced in agitation. What the fuck?

She glanced at me and I powered down my laptop, sticking it back in my bag for now. I had the feeling I wouldn't be getting any work done during this flight.

My leg continued to bounce and she turned, her voice saccharine and asked, "Are you nervous about something?" Her big brown eyes shot fire at me, but I could see she was amused at the same time at my discomfort.

"Nope." I growled. No, nympho girl, what the fuck could I possibly be nervous about? I raged in my head. Not nervous, simultaneously turned on by your fucking noises and annoyed as hell...

I grabbed the phone off the seat in front of me to make a quick phone call to my agent. Now normally I didn't use these damn things as they raped you with the cost, but it'd take my mind off the distraction in the next seat.

While I was making my call, I had to talk a little loudly for my agent to hear me over the roar of the ac and the engines and background noise as we were sitting right over the wing.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw her put her book down in her lap and glance over at me, and I grinned.

Leaning down she dug through her huge, ugly, monstrosity of a bag and produced an iPod. Slipping the earbuds in she proceeded to crank up the volume and sing very loudly and out of tune. In response, I had to talk louder to my agent, Tanya who was muttering in my ear about not being able to hear me.

"Like a virgin, touched for the very first time..." she screeched.

I glared at Porno Girl, and she glared right back at me, her eyebrows knitting together and face scrunching up.

"Uh, caress me down..."

I talked louder and she sang louder. Ok, this was getting fucking ridiculous. I had no qualms about annoying the fuck out of Porno Girl but I honestly didn't want to be a dick to the people around us.

"Pour some sugar on me...when you need some love...I'm hot sticky sweet from my head to my feeeeeeeet, yeahhhhh!" Porno Girl cackled. Jesus. At this rate between the sex noises, suggestive songs and her challenging me my poor hard on was conflicted. Well, I was conflicted. Brain said annoying bitch, while Dick said introduce yourself!

We stared at each other, in a standoff of wills. She really was quite lovely, with her long mahogany hair, big brown doe eyes and full pouty lips. But boy could she butcher a pop song.

In a huff she stood up, unbuckling her seatbelt and meandered down the aisle all the while still singing her ass off. I watched her shapely ass bounce down the aisle, still listening to her overly loud music. Hey, just because she annoyed the ever loving fuck out of me and I'd only sat next to her for an hour max doesn't mean I couldn't check out her ass. I'm a dude. Show me one straight dude who won't check out a hot girl's ass even if she's fucking nerve grating.

BPOV

I couldn't believe it, there was a line to use the bathroom. Two others were standing front of me and whoever was in there right now had been there for awhile. I was not looking forward to going in there afterwards. Glad I had brought my iPod with me so at least wouldn't be completely bored while I waited. Twenty minutes later I had finally gotten my turn and headed back to my seat next to Mr. Irritating. I noticed that he had fallen asleep and I quickly went through all the things I could do to him in his sleep or ways of waking him up in the most annoying manner. I chuckled at all my brilliant ideas but decided against it because then he would just be free to aggravate me more. I preferred to let him sleep and be left in peace. But of course even that plan failed to work out right. Turning to take my seat a little kid zipped by pushing me as he past. Losing balance, I fell with my face straight in Mr. Irritating's crotch. I was really hoping it didn't wake him. I attempted to remove myself carefully enough in the hopes he would never be any the wiser. Of course, I could not be that lucky.

"WHAT THE HELL!" He shouted before yanking my head up off of his lap by my shoulder.

"OW" I screeched. "Sorry! Some kid pushed me and I fell."

Then I looked at where I had landed and what I saw made me completely mortified, so much in fact, I couldn't help my reaction. I just started laughing like a completely utterly insane crazy person. Looking at me like the nuts person I was he ground through his teeth "What the fuck could be so funny right now?"

I couldn't speak so I pointed at his crotch. He glared and quirked an eyebrow at me then looked down at what had me in such fits. When he looked down, he saw the perfectly round wet spot that my mouth had left. The sight of which also left him trembling in laughter. I sat down and tried to hide my burning red face in my hands embarrassed beyond belief. He just chuckled and got back out his laptop and began working on whatever it was he did on there. I felt ignoring him seemed the best way to go and brought back out my book to read for the rest of the flight. When we landed, I quickly got up and dashed off the plane.

Overjoyed I would never have to see this man again, I hurried my feet as quickly as I could to catch my connecting flight which was located on the other side of the airport. Arriving at the gate out of breath, I look up at the digital sign only to see in bright red flashing letters all the flights out or in of the airport had been cancelled due to a blizzard. "Just my luck," I thought, what was I supposed to do now? I most certainly did not want to spend a night in the airport. I decided to try to high tail it out front and grab a cab to take me to the nearest hotel. Of course, there were a million different people trying to do the same thing.

Two hours later, I finally had grabbed a cab "Where to?" The cabby asked

"The nearest hotel please," I requested. The cabby grunted in response. Ten minutes later the cab pulled up in front of a Hilton. I paid the cabby then removed my luggage from the trunk and set off inside the hotel. I made my way up to the reservation desk and requested a room. It was then that I was kindly informed there were no more rooms available here or at any other place in town due to the storm. I groaned in irritation having had just about enough of today. I began to lose it and started shouting "What am I supposed to do now? Where am I supposed to sleep?" I was quickly losing control and beginning to make a scene.

Suddenly, Mr. Irritating was next to me. I turned and jumped surprised to see him. Angry and still embarrassed from our earlier encounter I glared at him and nearly shouted "What? Are you stalking me now?" throwing my arms up in the air for added dramatization.

"Sheesh, calm down woman," he shot back at me. "I was going to be nice and offer that you could stay with me in my room. Some people thought ahead and made reservations as soon as they found out their flight was cancelled," he said smugly.

That sobered me up a bit. It sounded like the asshole was going to do something nice and let me share a room with him. This man's mood swings were giving me whiplash. I calmed myself and asked him

"You said was. Does that mean the invite isn't there anymore?"

"That depends," he replied "Can we dial down the crazy a few notches?" I nodded my head and grabbed my bag, ready to follow him up to his room. I wasn't happy by any means to be stuck in a room with him but it was only for a night and much better than sleeping on the floor of the airport.

EPOV

I heard Bella, the crazy Porno Girl from the plane behind me as I unlocked the door to the hotel room. MY hotel room.

What the fuck had possessed me to volunteer that she could stay in my room for the night, I had no clue. I had acted without thinking. The words left my mouth, giving her an invitation before I realized what I had done. Something about this girl got me worked me up beyond belief. She seriously had a screw loose. But she'd sounded so alone and desperate when she'd begged then howled her frustration at the front desk.

I may be a jerk, but at that moment she'd looked so vulnerable and alone, I'd heard myself speaking before my brain had a chance to approve what it was saying.

I also suspected Dick had a hand in this or wanted her to have a hand on _him_, on me. But it was the holidays after all.

When the door swung open to the room to reveal a single king sized bed, her eyes met mine warily.

"Hey, hey, don't get all suspicious. I grabbed the first room I could and I wasn't exactly planning on having the inarguably worst singer in the entire universe share with me."

She grinned at me, but said nothing, her eyes smug.

"Oh, you heard me. Astronauts in space probably heard your little performance." I said, amused.

"Yeah, yeah...Masen, not everyone is blessed with such a pretty face, such as yourself. Some of us have to earn our way in the world with some honest to God talent." She threw over her shoulder as she put her bag on the sofa along the wall.

"Excuse me? I'll have you know I'm not just a pretty face. I can play the piano, fashion cloth napkins into the shape of swans, and I can sing a pretty goddamn good version of Sting's Roxanne."

Her mouth dropped open in shock. Shutting it again, she smiled at me.

"Holy Shit Masen! Was that a real honest to God show of a sense of humor?" she asked in amazement.

"Yep. I've got a million of them."

"I bet you do."

"Bella, I'm gonna grab a shower, ok? Feel free to do whatever you want. Well, except pick up a random stranger at the bar because that would be awkward. Unless it's a chick, then it's encouraged," I said grabbing a change of clothes from my bag.

Travelling always made me feel dirty and gritty. It would also remedy this constant hard on I'd had and hid since I'd met her. Her little "accident" of falling face first into my lap, her mouth landing on my junk hadn't hurt either. I headed to the bathroom, singing under my breath "Deck the Balls with boughs of holly...fa la la la la..."

Snickering, I heard her leave the room, the door closing behind her with a soft click.

When I emerged from the bathroom, freshly scrubbed, I smelled the most delicious scent. Pizza.

My stomach growled in anticipation as I found Porno Girl sprawled out on the bed, piece of pizza in one hand, beer in the other absorbed in watching some crappy infomercial.

She looked up, noticing me, and gestured towards the pizza box on the small table in the corner. "Dinner is served."

"Holy shit, it is. Where did you get this?" I said in amazement, gesturing at the huge gourmet pizza.

"The place next door. There's beer in the fridge. I figure if we have to be stuck here in the middle of BumFuckIdon'tKnowWhere then carbs shouldn't count."

"Sounds like a plan to me." I bit into my piece and proceeded to give my own porno noise show. This fucking pizza was delicious. How the hell Porno Girl knew I loved a meaty pizza, who knows but I was starting to like her annoying ass. And I was starving. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down on the couch.

She looked at me, eyebrow raised. "Dude, you don't have to sit on the couch. I can move my big ass out of the way."

"It's not that. I just don't want to get crumbs and shit all up in where I'm going to be sleeping."

Her eyebrow raised. "Edward Masen, you need to live a little. A little crumbs won't hurt you.

She finished her piece and set her beer down on the floor, and proceeded to roll her ass all over the bed, no doubt efficiently dispersing said crumbs. I rolled my eyes at her.

"What are you 5?"

"What are you 83?"

I laughed and sat back down on the couch with another piece of pizza. "What is there to do in this town?"

"I talked to Jimmy at the pizza place, who by the way has an _AMAZING_ mullet. Not much. Everything is shut down from the immense snow. The line was ginormous at the hotel restaurant so pizza sounded good."

BPOV

"Sheesh, stick up your irritating asshole, much," I thought. This man definitely does not know how to let loose and have fun. He's is incredibly good looking. And I admit my panties have gotten more than a little damp due to him regardless of his douchebag tendencies, but I bet he doesn't know how to have fun in the sack; not like Anthony Platt would. Anthony Platt is probably some ugly ass Ron Jeremy looking dude but I bet his fingers and dick are very talented. Maybe I would have to take this opportunity to teach Mr. Irritating asshole here a few things. Wait...what? What are you saying Bella? "I think maybe you have had one too many beers and you the fact you haven't been laid in forever doesn't help," I internally thought.

Finishing off my third piece of pizza, I lay back on the bed and groaned. "Mmmmmm...that was good shit." Then turned to my side my hair falling to one side. I reached over to the night-side table where I had stored my book for the time being and brought it out. Edward's eyes got big and he practically choked on the piece of pizza he was currently chewing. I looked at him and then to where his gaze was centered. He was staring right at my chest. Looking down, I saw my v-neck top had been pulled a bit low and with my position on my side my breasts were smushed together and nearly falling out. "Yep, prick in the sack," I thought right before he pulled me out of my musings by almost yelling at me.

"Not that thing again."

"What my book?" I questioned him "What's wrong with my book? You have something against reading?" Suddenly he looked really uncomfortable like he didn't know what to say. I figured since I had to share a space with for the rest of the night I would be nice and just let it go... kind've.

I turned back over and leaned my back against the headboard of the bed and huffed "Whatever" before opening my book and resuming reading where I last left off. It had just gotten to a particularly steamy part and I had only been reading for about five minutes when Edward walked over to me. He stood staring at me over the bed tugging on his deliciously messy copper hair. I finally couldn't take anymore and I snapped at him "What?"

"What game do you think you are playing at?" He snapped back

"What the hell do you mean, game? I am not playing any game." I said making air quotes around the word game.

He chuckled darkly "You can't tell me you are not aware of the sounds you are making while reading?"

My jaw dropped and I felt my face pinken "Noises?" I questioned "What noises?"

Tugging at his hair again, he said, "Jeez Bella! Sex noises! Moaning and shit!"

Clapping my hand to my mouth I exclaimed, "I didn't."

"You most definitely did," He replied.

"Umm...sorry?" I said more as a question than an actual apology. Then feeling irritated and embarrassed I spat out, "You could probably learn a thing or two about getting that stick out of your ass and having some fun if you would read something like this once in a while!" I said as I waved the book around wildly in the air. "This guy knows his shit when it comes romance and how to please a woman."

"What do you mean I could learn something? How would you know what kind of lay I am?" He said angrily

"I can just tell you're too uptight. You don't let loose. I bet that applies to all areas of your life."

"And what makes you think the author of this book would be so great?" He asked.

"I can just tell by the way he writes. He knows women, what they want in both their hearts and bodies." He looked down at me he eyes darkening a smirk playing across his lips then climbed on the bed and crawled his way over to me seductively like a hunter going after its prey. He stopped his body straddling mine, his face close enough I could feel his sweet hot breath on my lips.

"What if I were to tell you that both the men you are talking about are the same man." I looked at him confused.

"I'm sorry I don't understand."

"What would you say if I were to tell you that I was Anthony Platt?" I snorted

"I would say HA! You are a fricking lying, horny bastard just trying to get into my pants. That's what I would say."

"I can prove it you know."

"Yeah right, of course you can." I said mockingly

"Read a sentence or two and I will tell you what comes next."

"Fine" I huffed and then read. "The rays of sun shining through the window played against her face making her post coital glow all that more beautiful to James, " was as far as I got before Edward interrupted and finished off the sentence for me

"He felt himself harden and knew he needed to have her again now. Kissing along her neck down to where here supple pert breasts lay rising in motion with her breathing; he grasped one nipple into his mouth, and gently sucked causing Victoria to awake with a pleasurable moan." Extremely turned on by hearing the passage recited by Edward's velvety voice, I crossed my legs and tried to stop my hips from arching upwards towards where Edwards lay. His hips in this moment seemed to be magnetic north to mine and I could barely resist pulling him down on top of me right there.

Pulling myself out of my lust filled haze for a moment I looked up at him and said, "That proves nothing. There are a million different reasons, besides you being the author, that you could know what it says." He brought his face close to mine his lips gently brushed against mine making me shudder. He removed himself off the bed and I tried really hard not to feel disappointed. Walking to the opposite side of the room, he grabbed something out of one of his bags and walked back over my way. In his hands he held his laptop. He sat on the side of the bed closest to me, flipped the laptop open and started it up. He clicked on a folder and then handed me the laptop.

"Here, look. I think that is proof enough." I looked at folder he had opened and chose one of the many documents and read what was contained within. I nearly dropped the laptop.

"Holy Fuck!" was all I could say. I finally regained my senses partially before uttering, "Wow you really are him aren't you?"

Smirking at me he said, "Told you so." He began to say something else. Something about not telling people because he found his line of work emasculating and embarrassing. I didn't care. I just let my body take over for my brain. Setting the laptop down on the nightstand, I leaned over and pressed a fingertip to his lips saying,

"Shhh...Baby no more talkie." Then, pressed my lips into his with a searing kiss full of all of the days pent up sexual energy.

EPOV

Holy ballllllls.

Porno Girl gave good tongue.

Now I bet you were expecting something along the lines of "Bella's lips moved confidently and sensually upon Edwards, sending the two into a cascading frenzy of erotic lust untamed in its..."

Oh shit. Porno Girl gave fucking awesome tongue.

I bit back a groan as Bella Porno Girl who had been unknowingly taunting me the whole time I'd known her with her sex noises and inadvertent boob flashes climbed onto my lap straddling me as I sat on the edge of the bed. Leaning back on my hands, she attacked my mouth she ground her hips into mine.

Her eyes were closed, her cheeks flushed and the noises she made from just kissing me were enough to bring on the return of hard on. Well, that and the lap dance she was currently giving me.

Bella's mouth moved from my lips, peppering kisses over my face and her eyes opened, locking with mine.

"What's wrong?" she asked, her voice husky.

"Nothing."

"Then fucking kiss me...Anthony." She grinned, daring me.

"Jesus Porno Girl, a little bossy are we?"

"Porno Girl?" she asked, eyebrow raised.

"Your sexy noise soundtrack. It's inspiring Anthony Platt's next writing adventures."

"Inspire this." She leaned into me, her hands cupping my face and I sat up, my fingers burrowing into her long dark hair.

Brushing my lips over hers, I nipped at her lip, catching her full bottom lip with mine, teasing, sucking and feeling her groan of frustration. I grinned.

"Jesus Porno Girl, you must be patient. Good things come to those who wait."

"Edward, you're the most infuriating man I've ever met," she huffed at me.

"You're the sexiest yet most annoying woman I've ever met, so we're even."

Taking pity on her, I finally kissed her, really kissed her, like I'd wanted to since I'd stood in the aisle on the plane. Her tongue touched mine, ravaging my mouth forcefully, and I groaned. Her assertiveness was definitely a turn on. Nothing about her was hesitant and it was a nice change from the last few women I'd been with, which had been ages ago.

Pulling back, I gasped for air, and stared at Bella's face. Her eyes were closed, lips pink cheeks flushed. Her eyes opened and she gazed back at me, eyes glazed and sleepy looking.

I leaned forward my mouth finding her ear, and she whimpered when my teeth found her earlobe.

"You."

Nibble.

"Must."

Lick.

"Be."

Nuzzle.

"Patient."

Sliding my hands under her sexy firm ass that I'd so admired early, I picked her up tossing her gently back on the bed and stared at her.

Dick was screaming at me to hurry up and get down to business. But I wanted to make this last. I didn't know shit about Porno Girl and this would be the only time I got to be with her so I was gonna make it worth it. And I had my literary rep to live up to. What kind of romance novelist is crap in the sack? Not Edward Fucking Masen.

Stepping back, I pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it onto the nearby chair.

Her eyes widened and she moaned. Her gaze like fire as it swept over my body. Being a writer left me plenty of free time to work out and get in shape. From the way she was eyeballing the taut muscles of my chest and stomach, it'd been a good investment.

I climbed over her body, slinking over her like I did before but this time I settled my weight on her, nestling between her hips. She wasn't complaining, her legs fell open and Dick rejoiced.

She burrowed her fingers in my hair, and pulled, kissing the fuck out of me. I think my eyes rolled back in my head and this time I moaned, but I would not be deterred from my plan.

Pulling back and bracing my weight over her, I kissed every inch of exposed skin I could find and her moans and whimpers got louder. When I reached the hem of her shirt, her eyes opened and she scooted back, pulling her shirt over her head, sending her glorious breasts, covered in a semi sheer pink leopard print bra, bouncing.

I think Dick had taken over at this point as I just stared, mesmerized by the amazing boobage displayed before me. Bella Porno Girl had the most spectacular breasts I'd ever seen and I still hadn't even gotten her bra off. Cupping her in my hands, I rubbed my thumbs over her hard nipples and she stiffened below me, her hips rocking against mine. My breath hissed out as my jean covered hard on rubbed against her jean covered center.

During my moment of boob admiration, she wrapped her legs around my waist and rolled us in one quick motion, sitting up triumphantly. Said boobs jiggling invitingly in my face. My eyes locked with hers, and I realized my error. She'd fucking dazzled me.

Grinning down at me she murmured, "My turn."

Oh fuck.

Reaching back, she unhooked her bra and slid it down her arms. I think I temporarily lost consciousness as her, oh yeah they were fucking perfect, breasts were revealed to me.

Have I mentioned I'm a boob guy? Some dudes like asses, some like feet. I. Fucking. Love. Boobs.

Her hands smoothed over my chest and over my stomach. I took the opportunity to repeat my motions of earlier, cupping her soft, silky breasts in my hands again, loving the feel of her. Bella wasn't too big or too small, she was...was...Oh Fuck.

Bella leaned down and kissed my neck, licking sucking and biting; her hard nipples brushing against my chest and I fucking shivered and moaned her name.

She kissed her way down my chest, her hips rocking against mine. I had to fight to keep my eyes open and locked with hers since she felt so goddamn good.

Reaching my stomach, she nuzzled my belly button with her nose. Her breath against my heated skin tickled. Stopping at my waistband, she looked right at me as she undid my belt, her thumbs brushing my hard on through the denim as she smiled wickedly at me.

I didn't believe in love at first sight but she fucking owned me. This infuriating woman was so fucking sexy, in her confidence, her ohmyfuckinggawd...Pulling my belt loose, she slid the buttons on my jeans fly through the holes with excruciating slowness, her fingers brushing my rock hard dick through the soft cotton of my boxer briefs.

My breath hissed out as she slid her hands over my hips and pushed the worn faded denim down lower. She lowered her mouth so she was hovering over me as I wiggled the fabric down my legs, pushing it off with my feet

Her hands slid up my legs, the muscles jumping under the scrape of her fingernails. When she reached my thighs, I pounced and grabbed her squirming, giggling body as I tickled her and rolled us over again, leaning over her. I knew precisely where her fucking wonderfully dirty mouth was headed if I let her, and though I wasn't exactly complaining, there was no way I was getting off before her. And that's for certain what would have happened if she'd wrapped her lips around me. It had been a while and since she'd had me worked up all day, albeit unconsciously on her end it would have lasted an embarrassing two seconds.

I grinned down at her. She smiled up at me and flopped her arms over her head in surrender.

"Do your worst." she taunted me.

"How about my best?"

"I'm still waiting for it Masen..." Her whines turning into whimpers as my teeth, tongue and lips demonstrated their best on her breasts. Pressing open mouth kisses everywhere I worshipped at the temple of the boob. Snickering at my horrible analogy, I soldiered on, sucking on her nipples, rolling them between my fingers and pinching. Bella's breathing picked up, her hips moving, restless beneath me, her moans and gasps and whimpers getting louder.

Do my worst...Bah.

Whilst nibbling on her chest with my teeth ever so gently, my fingers also worked away, smoothing down her flat stomach, feeling her gasp, and writhe. When I reached the button of her jeans I looked up, asking for permission. Even though I could be a total asshat most times, I still wanted her to want this. Her eyes were hooded, face pink and flushed, her bottom lip held between her perfect white teeth.

Nodding, she wiggled her hips toward me and I couldn't help but grin.

"A little eager are we, Porno Girl?"

"Oh fuck yeah," she groaned. I closed my eyes, fighting for control at her words.

I should have known she'd be this vocal in bed, as she'd nearly made me come before fully clothed in an airplane amongst 100 strangers.

"Edward," she murmured my name.

My eyes opened and gazed down at her.

"What, Porno Girl?"

She grabbed my hair in one hand, pulling my face down to hers, her eyes and lips smiling at me.

"Hurry the fuck up."

Kissing her on the lips and feeling her smile against me, I did as the lady asked.

Undoing her button I unzipped her jeans and slid them over her slim hips. I sat back, trying unsuccessfully to hold back the laughter. On the front of her plain white boy short panties was printed in simple black lettering: "Engineers Do It Bigger."

Her face reddened and she stared at me, cheeks flushing with embarrassment. She covered her face with her hands and peeked out at me through her fingers.

BPOV

What in the hell was so funny? Way to woo a woman, Masen. Laughing at her after you take off her pants sets the mood real well, and then it hit me. Oh shit! Oh no no no! Today of all days I had to wear that pair of underwear. Quickly deciding if you can't beat them join them. I looked at him coyly and said, "It's true you know. As an engineer I can attest to that fact. From the looks of you and your tyrannosaurus pecks, I am going to be doing it real big tonight." Placing my hands over his, I grasped them and set them on the waistband of my underwear, assisting him in fully pulling the boy shorts off. He knelt over me just staring. I think he may have started drooling. I giggled at his lustful daze and jokingly said, "Do you get this stunned by all naked women or is it just me?"

"Only you baby." Was his semi-coherent response. That statement simultaneously melted me heart and scared the living daylights out of me. I don't think he even realized what he said. I lay there a little stunned until I felt his lips lightly graze over my belly before he began kissing and sucking his way to the Promised Land. My hips bucking in response and moans exiting my lips. His fingers gently caressed the outside of my thighs teasing me slowly moving inward and nearly touching where I wanted them most before retreating. It was the most glorious form of torture. Just when I thought I could take no more I felt his tongue softly lick at my center sending shivers up my spine and loud moans truly worthy of a Porno Girl exit my mouth. I was so close and he had barely touched me. One lick and soft suck of my clit and I fell over the edge screaming his name. He lifted his head to look at me a smug smirk gracing his face.

"Holy hell Edward. What was that?" The smirk still on his face he looked at me and began once again to kiss up my belly

"I"

Kiss

"Think"

Kiss

"That is"

Kiss

"Usually"

Lick

"Referred to"

Lick

"As cunninglingus."

Before I could even make a snarky response, he held one of my breasts in his hand rubbing and kneading while the other went directly to his mouth where he sucked and nibbled. It had never felt this good before. This man definitely knew what he was doing. He paid equal amount of time to each breast then slid his body up mine and devoured my mouth with his. The way we were positioned now, I could feel him between my thighs, grazing my entrance.

"Mmmm...Oh...Edward...I need you inside me so bad. Please Edward Please." He had me wound so tight I was not above begging.

"Shhh baby soon, soon. We have all night and I want to worship this perfect body of yours over and over."

"Oh man, Edward, not helping." I whined and bucked my hips upward causing amazing friction and more moans elicit from both of our mouths. A thought suddenly occurred to me "Oh shit, Please tell me you have a condom."

He paused for a moment and looked at me quizzically and said, "What the fuck is a condom!"

"Hardy har har, Edward. Not the time." I ground out "Do you or do you not have a condom?" He laughed lightly.

"Of course I have a condom, Bella." I rolled my eyes and shook my head at him.

"Just go get it, Edward." He rose from my body and moved to where his pants and wallet lay. He quickly removed the condom then slid his body back over mine. "You do realize it won't do much good unless you actually put it on, don't you?"

Copying my quip from earlier he responded, "Hardy har har Bella, of course I do."

"Edward," I whined. He looked at me his eyes glinting with mischief.

"Yes, Porno Girl?"

"Stop teasing me and just fuck me." He groaned loudly.

"You win." He said with a sigh. I ran my fingers through his hair and stroked his face

"Edward, I think technically we both win," I said with a giggle. He made a little indignant huff then stuck the condom wrapper in his mouth and ripped the top off, pulled it out and quickly put it on. His mouth was once again flush with mine as he rubbed himself against me. He moved so his tip was barely at my entrance. I didn't need any more teasing so I grabbed his length as much as I could between my fingers and quickly guided him inside of me.

Edwards's eyes rolled back in his head as a loud "Fuuuuuuuck" hissed out between his lips. "You feel so good Bella, so good." I barely heard him. My coherency since he entered me was at an all time low. He was so big and filled every inch of me in just the right way. No one else had ever fit this perfectly inside of me. Every inch of him pressed against my walls and hit all the right spots. I was getting close again. My body arched and a constant mantra of "Edward, oh Edward. Yes, Edward." coming from my mouth. I was flying, and I was falling. My body was on the biggest and best high of its life, all because of this man. His rhythm increased and his lips sucked on my nipples, making me moan and writhe below him

"Edward. Edwaaaard. I'm so close, so close." Hearing my words he reached a hand in between us and began playing with my clit.

"Bella, Oh Bella. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. You feel so fucking good. Come with me baby, come with me."

He pinched my clit and a loud scream of, "Yessss, Edwaaaaard," erupted from me as a loud moan, which sounded a little like my name, came from Edward. We both fell over the edge together, panting and trying to catch our breaths. "Wow!" was all I could say and Edward having no better words than me at the moment, rested his body gently on mine and breathed out a "Wow!"

E POV

Wow.

I stared down at Porno Girl after she'd just blown my fucking mind, speechless, except for the word "wow."

Grinning up at me she asked, "Wow? That's all you've got, Mr. Big Fancypants Writer Man?"

I slid off her and threw the condom away before climbing back on the bed and pulling her to drape across my chest.

"Wow."

She looked at me fingers, gently brushing my hair back off my sweaty forehead, a smile on her face. "Masen, you still in there or did I sex the words right out of you?"

"I think I'm still here. Let me check," I said poking myself in the chest, earning giggles from my Porno Girl.

We laid there for a while just talking about everything and nothing until she started to yawn. Apparently Bella was some kind of engineer, hence the adorably sexy panties, who travelled a lot for her job as a consultant. She was funny and incredibly smart. I was more than a little turned on by all the technical shit she rattled off about what she did. Now sexy women are easy to find, but truly intelligent, sexy women who make you fucking mindless with their lips are a hell of a lot harder to find.

I ran my hands through her hair, and as the yawns got louder and more frequent, her sleepy voice mumbled from my chest where she was nuzzled against me. "Tell me a story Edward."

Smiling, I asked, "What kind of story? Cause I don't think I need to tell you smut after that fucking amazing, mind blowing experience. Nothing in words can adequately describe that-"

"No, not that kind of story, your story."

"Ok. Once upon a time, there was this total asshat of a writer who was on a plane sitting next to the most gorgeously, beautiful woman who liked to drive him crazy with her sexy noises..."

She laughed, "Oh, I like the sound of this story, keep going."

I rambled on for a while until her breathing deepened and she fell asleep, her beautiful face peaceful and relaxed.

If I didn't know better, I'd think I was smitten with Porno Girl. She gave good smit.

Tired from the long day myself, I dozed off.

Hours later, during the night, I woke up to the most amazing dream. Porno Girl was giving me the most fantastic blowjob ever. I panted and writhed, seriously thanking the fact I had a very vivid imagination when my eyes popped open to find Bella smiling up at me in the darkness. Her mouth was wrapped around me and my eyes rolled back in my head. Holy Fuck.

After reciprocating in turn, we collapsed in a sweaty pile of arms and legs, falling back against the bed exhausted.

Porno Girl was out within minutes, and I followed.

I woke again just after dawn, as the bright sunlight streamed around the edge of the curtains, the snow outside amplifying the light.

Padding to the window to peek out, still naked and warm from the bed and Bella, I wondered if planes were going to be allowed to take off. Looking at the bed, I found myself wanting the blizzard to return.

Crawling back into the bed, I wrapped my arms around her, nuzzling Bella's neck. She smiled in her sleep, my name on her lips.

When I awoke later on, Bella was gone.

Gone.

Her stuff, her crazy sex noises, everything. The only trace of her was the faint scent of her perfume on me and in the sheets.

I was alone.

Again.

"Merry Fucking Christmas," I thought to myself bitterly.

After taking a shower, I threw my clothes into my bag, pissed that not only had I not thought to get her number, but she'd obviously not wanted mine.

Taking a cab back to the airport, I got a flight out in no time, but found my flight to be a little too quiet. When I opened my laptop to work on a chapter for my latest failure at literary greatness, the words wouldn't come.

Frustrated, I closed my eyes, willing the words that paid my bills, kept me fed, that killed my soul a little every day to come. But nothing.

Slamming the useless piece of crap shut, I shoved it into my bag.

Goddamit.

Bella was right. She really had sexed the words right out of me.

When the flight landed, I went to the car rental counter. All they had left was a tiny, little smart car.

"Seriously?" I asked the desk attendant. "Can I even fit in that goddamn thing?"

The man shrugged and tossed me my keys to the fucking tiniest car I'd ever seen in my life.

Climbing in, I was seriously angry. It was like fucking origami tantric sex position bullshit to even get my long legs in there. Men over six feet tall are just not meant to fit in this tiny of a space. Good thing I was in my hometown and knew the fucking quickest way to get home.

Pulling up in front of my parent's house there was no place to park. But there was a huge Chevy truck with a Budget Rental sticker on it. Goddamit, someone had taken MY rental. I usually requested trucks as that was what I had at home and it suited me. Plus, I could drive it without having my knees in my teeth unlike the unSmart car. Screw the fucking environment. If I had to drive one of those fuckers every day, I'd never be able to walk again.

Closing my eyes, I willed my pissy attitude away. My mom fucking owed me but it was Christmas and I'd come all this way just for her. I hadn't seen my parents in forever, too wrapped up in my "career" and my own bullshit to care.

Opening the front door to my childhood home, I stomped my feet, shaking off the snow and took off my coat and hat to hang it up on the coat tree. Kicking off my shoes onto the boot tray by the door, I padded in sock feet through the kitchen and grabbed a cup of my dad's favorite Christmas coffee.

Everything smelled of home, of family, of Christmas. The fresh wreaths and decorations made it feel homey, something I missed. My mom made the best Christmas morning breakfast. Homemade cinnamon rolls, biscuits and gravy and bacon and eggs. It was the one day a year when she went all out with the unhealthy but delicious spread.

Walking through the house I found my parents sitting on the couch, with my younger sister, Alice, and her boyfriend, Jasper, who I'd met two Christmases ago, but hadn't seen in forever.

Looking around, I smiled at my dad, but when I looked over at whom was sitting next to my beautiful mother, my eyes widened in surprise.

Animatedly talking with my mother, hands gesturing and making all kinds of descriptive noises was...Holy Fuck.

Bella. My Porno Girl.

BPOV

I had met Esme Cullen a few weeks ago while on a job. She was an interior designer with her own company. Occasionally, we got called in to help out with certain structural aspects of a design. About 15 years ago, some designer apparently thought they knew enough to design a structurally sound catwalk for a club. It's opening night ended with disastrous results so now, it was law that any structural part of a design a designer wanted to add to the facility had to be reviewed and approved by an engineer.

Esme was a warm and wonderful woman. I had liked her right away. My own mother had passed away when I was young. I was raised by my father. He was a good man and a wonderful father. He had been a cop and a damn good one at that. Unfortunately, a few years ago he was killed in the line of duty. So as overdramatic as it sounds, I truly was all alone in the world. I managed. I had my job to keep me busy and a couple close friends with whom I also worked with. I was satisfied with my life or at least I thought I was. When I met Esme, she was so welcoming and kind towards me I felt a hole in my heart I hadn't realized was there be filled. When she found out I was going to be all alone for Christmas, she invited me to join her family. I didn't want to be burden and impose on their family celebration. I had gotten used to spending Christmas alone. The idea of being with her and her family, if I was honest with myself, was quite enticing and I knew she wouldn't back down until I accepted. So I told her with honest happiness, I would love to join them. The giddiness that overcame her when I said yes made me feel like I had just given her the best Christmas present ever. From previous conversations we had, I knew she had two children both of whom were adopted. She seemed a little too interested for my tastes in me meeting her son. I sensed a bit of a set up but I figured I could deal with that when the time came.

Sex with Edward was just unf. I mean, I have no accurate words to describe how amazing it was. It had never been that good for me before. He may have been a prick but a talented prick at that. The more I talked to him through the night, I realized he wasn't exactly what he seemed either. The rough douchebag-like exterior he put on was a wall to protect himself from others. I never got a chance to find out why but I found out enough to know the man behind it was kind, caring, and maybe even a little bit sensitive, but don't tell him I said that. I woke up early to a constant buzzing that was driving me nuts. I regretfully unwound myself from the tight hold Edward had on me and left the bed to find the offending noise. It turned out to be Edward's cell-phone. I answered it; don't ask me why. I guess I figured maybe they would stop calling then. "Hello. Edward Masen's phone," I said as I tried to stifle a giggle.

A very harsh female voice demanded in return "Who the Hell are you?"

"Umm...Bella."

"Where's Edward?" She shrieked.

"Uh...in bed." I didn't know who this woman was a deep pit of anxiety began to form in my stomach.

"Just tell him to call me." She ground out angrily and hung up before I could even ask who she was.

I had a feeling she was someone important in Edward's life. I couldn't help but wonder if she was his girlfriend and he had just cheated on her with me. Feeling like a fool for getting myself into this type of situation, I hurriedly dressed, gathered my stuff and left for the airport. When I arrived in Seattle, after retrieving my luggage, I headed over to the car rentals. I would be headed to a tiny town called Forks, where Esme had told me they had a home that they liked to spend Christmas at. The attendant at the desk tried to tell me all they had left was some hideously tiny "smart" car but I could obviously see there were two cars in the lot; the other was a truck. I drove a truck at home and that's what I preferred. The attendant said it was already reserved for someone else, but after turning on the charm and batting my eyelashes a few times, the truck was mine. It was too easy. I hopped into the truck and headed to Forks. Esme had given me great directions so even though the house was off the beaten path a bit, I found it easily. I pulled up into the front drive and wasn't surprised by the gorgeous, enormous house that greeted me out front. I knew Esme's style and this fit it perfectly. I grabbed my luggage and headed to the front door. Before I had even made it up the first couple steps, the door flew open and there stood Esme with a girl with short black spiky hair who wasn't much younger than me smiling at me from cheek to cheek. Turning, she bellowed into the room behind her, "Jasper, get over her and help her with her bags."

Moments later a tall attractive blonde haired, blue eyed man appeared smiling warmly at the girl then at me. He ran over and grabbed my bags.

"You don't have to do that. I can handle it."

"It's my pleasure ma'am." He drawled with a southern accent then softly said to me, "If I don't, Alice will have my balls." He then glanced up at the girl who I assumed to be Alice with a look of adoration. I found myself feeling slightly jealous of the feelings they obviously felt for each other. I followed him into the house and was immediately embraced in the loving arms of Esme.

"I am so glad you made it here safely," she said before releasing me.

Bounding up to me full of life and energy Alice said, "Hi, I'm Alice." She grabbed me into a huge hug while saying, "We are going to be great friends. I just know it." I laughed lightly. This Alice was a trip. I could tell I was really going to like her. Esme showed me around and I got myself settled in the room she had given me to stay in then headed back downstairs to join the others. Esme was sitting on the couch reading a magazine. I sat down next to her and started talking about some of the details of my next project that I was really excited about. I noticed her attention was brought to something behind me. Her face brightened and she stood, practically running to whoever was behind me and embracing him in a hug. I turned to see who it was. I assumed whoever it was must be her son. To my complete surprise, I was met with those same piercing green eyes I had spent last night staring into.

EPOV

Why the fuck was my Porno Girl sitting in my parents living room talking to my mom like they were the best of friends? My mom ran over and gave me a big hug. I attempted to hug her back but it was only half hearted. It had been awhile since I had seen any of my family but that didn't matter. All I could see now was _her_…Bella, who'd seduced me with her naughty noises, intelligence and love of the shitty romance novels I wrote.

"Porn...Bella?" I exclaimed, nearly tripping up and calling her Porno Girl in front of my family.

I began to walk towards her when my mom grabbed my hand and said in surprise, "Edward, you know Bella?"

Pulling me out of my trance, I stammered, "Ummm...yeah. Kind of."

I looked back at Bella and her eyes shot daggers at me. "Kind of? Kind of? Where are your magical words now, Mr. Writer Man? Kind of?" She muttered.

"Why the fuck did you leave without saying goodbye?" I questioned her.

"Edward Anthony Masen-" my mother sputtered.

"Because you're a total freaking asshat, that's why!" Bella spat at me.

Alice snorted in the background. I turned and glared at her.

"Why didn't you tell me you have a girlfriend?" Bella asked me, sadness overcoming her features.

Alice snorted once again and scoffed, "Edward have a girlfriend. Yeah, right."

Bella looked quizzically at Alice, eyebrow raised.

"Bella, I don't know what you are talking about. Maybe we should take this in the other room?" I said.

She shrugged and followed me into my dad's study. Everyone in the living room flashed me concerned looks. The look on my mother's face commanded me to behave.

I sat her down on my Dad's brown leather couch and asked, "Why would you think I have a girlfriend?"

"Because she called this morning and I talked to her." She admitted in a low hurt voice.

I gave her a confused look. Pulling out my phone, I went to my call history and about burst into laughter when I saw the number.

Showing it to Bella, I asked, "Is this the number you talked to?" I said pointing to which one I thought it would be.

She nodded and I shook my head, chuckling,"Bella, that's Tanya, my agent. She's not my girlfriend."

Bella's eyebrows furrowed together.

"Your agent?" she questioned.

I nodded yes and she looked at me, her face turning bright red.

"Now who's the asshat?" I asked, grinning at her.

She began apologizing for being so rude and causing problems with my family. I didn't give a fuck, as it was an honest mistake. Hell, I would have thought the same thing if some dude had called for her, sounding pissed off, no doubt, like Tanya probably had. That woman was always in a pissy mood. All that I cared about was that Bella was here and I could see her again. Hell I even got to spend Christmas with her. This thought alone should have scared the fuck out of me, but it didn't for some reason. All I could think about was kissing her lips, feeling her soft silky skin against mine, and hearing her beautiful laugh again.

I copied her move from last night pressing my finger to her lips, murmuring, "Shhh...Baby, no talkie." I kissed the shit out of her, burrowing my hands into her long silky hair, my lips moving softly over hers. I raised my head to look down at Bella's beautiful but stunned face. Her eyes lit up and she grinned at me. I knew the look on my face mirrored hers.

"Merry Christmas Porno Girl."

* * *

Merry Christmas and thanks for reading!

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